Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Serious Status: I was thinking this morning of how blessed I am. Not sure I’m going to convey what I'm thinking correctly right now but here goes...I was in a bad place financially until 6 months ago when I FINALLY got a full time job...ok, everyone knows that by now...blah, blah, blah...well, if you've never been where I was you cannot relate.
Let me describe how I felt the first weeks of having full time employment after a year or so of looking. Total overwhelming gratitude that I could finally get a 40 hour paycheck, I can finally buy whatever I need and not worry, etc., I felt this way for several weeks after my first paycheck. Typing this out right now is getting me emotional about it again. I'm not sure I have ever said all of this. An overwhelming feeling of gratefulness filled my spirit. I could almost cry every day. I cannot fully explain my emotions but if you’ve been where I was you know what I’m talking about.
Several times I have tried to put into words the way I feel about all this that has transpired in my life the last 2 years but I’m still finding it hard to write it.
I was told a LOT during this time that God will come through, that maybe He wants you to do something else with your life. So I gathered that to mean maybe He doesn’t want me working in corporate America again? Uh, well, I never quite figured that out because hello…I’m back in Corporate America again. Lol. And glad to be here, let me tell ya!
So, during this phase I started looking at working from home jobs, maybe opening a photography business, etc., I thought about all kinds of things but none of them ever firmly “set” in my mind. See, I was raised that you WORK for a living and don’t chase after silly dreams that will never come to pass. It takes a special kind of person to start their own business and see it through to making a living for one, know what I mean? The future looked bleak, indeed….then…you can ask my mom and the rest of my family how stressed I was. They don’t even know the half…what was going on in the inside of me was a horrific battle….wringing of the hands, what am I going to do? Will I ever work again? Where will I be when unemployment runs out? I’m of no use to anyone, not even myself. AND, then another thought…I’m still unmarried; no man wants a woman that doesn’t have a job! I felt like a total failure!
And, to top it off, several people I knew were getting good jobs. I wondered, “Where is MY blessing?” Lord, what is going on? What have I done? Why is this happening to me? I went on like this for several months. I’m sure my Facebook statuses were nothing but negative, negative, negative. I was in a dark place.
Well, to put it bluntly, God has a way of bringing us to Him. This brought me to my knees. I had nowhere else to go. No one could help me. I was in a dark place. I confess, I truly started walking with God during this time. Yes, I was raised on a Pentecostal pew but everything had always come easy to me. I always had a job, always had money, always able to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Therefore, I never really developed an actual relationship with Christ. It wasn’t until this phase of my life that I went to my knees because well, where ya gonna go, right? I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own. I am not an island.
SO, one early morning in prayer I FINALLY let it go and gave it all to Him! I had come to the end of my rope. What happened next is something I will never forget. I believe I actually got drunk in the spirit and could not speak English. This had never happened to me before, not even during a church service. After that morning, peace filled my heart and I just relaxed and knew that God would work it out somehow. A few weeks later, I got a full time job! He answered when I finally let it go and LET Him work it out!
Now, looking back I realize He was building my faith and even now He is continuing to build my faith. I came through that HUGE trial feeling closer to Him than ever in my life.
Today, I just wanted to try and convey my thoughts on what happened during my unemployment, etc, how I felt, how I cried, how I prayed and mostly how I felt frustrated most of the time. THEN GOD…..
I feel like I won a victory. It was during this time that I really learned that God is my Jehovah Jireh. He provided the open door through a very dear friend from church and she helped me get on where I am today. Thank you, Jeannette Thurik! So it was on with my life. The river of blessings was unstopped and they all came rolling in…finally! I breathed a sigh of relief!
Today, I just wanted to try to tell what I felt during that dark time and just let someone know that God IS working it out for your good. You just have to hold on through the storm. That’s my final answer. Just hold on and He will lead you through the storm!
That’s all for now…..Hope I made sense.


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